tonight

I write down almost all of my prayers in a journal. I've done this since I was 16. It helps me more than anything else.

I realize I've already posted today. I also realize that prayers are a very private thing. However, no one reads this but me (and those extremely close to me). So I wanted to post my prayers from tonight, because I want to keep them. In case there's ever a house fire or something. I'm aware that it's awful writing, but I really don't care.

12/20/09
Father,
I feel so overwhelmed. Why am I so good at running away from you? Away from you is the last place I want to be...can you lead me back? Being away from you is terrifying.

Can I still play princess like we used to? When I was little and I used to close my eyes and pretend you would twirl me around and around...you always sent the wind to let me know it was real. And we'd make flower chains together - remember that? They were my crowns. We used to talk for hours. I'm still your little girl, right? I don't want to grow out of that.

My heart is still the same heart, just with a lot more cuts and bruises. I know you already know that; I just needed to say it for me. Heal all the bad things, all my nightmares. They haunt me desperately, and I hate them.

Wash over me. Your love is like a stream warmed by sunlight with no end. I need it more than ever. Heal me with your forgiveness. Oh, God, I am such a disgusting person. I cling to your grace more than anything, because you are the only one who can save me.

I drink deep into your well and am satisfied. Oh, Father, hold me here. Tightly. Help me rest, truly rest. Give me some sort of courage to begin loving myself. It's so easy for me to run. But I know I need to quit that.

Come, Jesus, and hold me. Rock me, rock me gently. I love you.

Yours,
Rachael