love.

Well, I missed yesterday. However, hopefully the length of tomorrow's blog will make up for it. Today in church I got some new inspirations for my book SO tomorrow I'm just going to write and see what happens. For today, though, since it's Valentine's Day, I'd like to re-post someting that I wrote on this day in 2006. It's just interesting to see where I was on this day 4 years ago:


Valentine's what? Valentine's SUCKS.

Yes, that's right, I said it - Valentine's Day is DUMB. It should be entitled "Let's Make Singles Feel Bad Day," because, the way I see it, if you do have a significant other in your life, they should be treating you like it's Valentine's 365 days a year, not just one. It's a dumb marketing ploy that the stores came up with just so they could have one more reason to sell a card. You know what I think it is? SICK. And you know what else is sick? Here at good ol' UU, I'm sure some of you know that we have certain hours on the weekends that guys can come in our dorms and we can go in theirs...but they made TODAY be open dorms from 1-8 just because it's stupid Valentine's Day. Can I throw up now? Please? And after that I'll treat myself to a whole box of expensive chocolate, buy myself a diamond necklace, and toast a glass of champagne to...nothing. Yes, that's right - here's to you, Cupid, for ruining my life. Thanks a lot; it's been really great. Not.

I heard some single friends of mine talking in one of my classes today, and one of them said, "You know, I mean, Valentine's Day isn't that bad! I don't love it, but it's not like I hate it..." and I turned around and said, "You know what? No! Valentine's Day SUCKS." Seriously, most days I'm completely fine with being single, but do we really have to declare a national holiday where we all point and laugh at those members of the population who just happen to be lucky enough to be alone on the biggest day for couples of the entire year? Honestly. That's exactly what I am - honest. I wouldn't describe me as bitter, just honest. I'm not going to sit back and pretend that Valentine's Day doesn't suck for single people, because it does. Don't deny it - it really does.

Wow - how different my life is now! 2006 was my last single Valentine's Day. I don't really remember how I felt, but apparently I didn't like it too much. You know, this does give me a lot more sympathy for my single friends. I feel like I should read this every Valentine's Day just to give me some insight on how a lot of people in the world feel on this day. Well, no matter how your day has gone, whether you have someone to celebrate with or not, I hope this is a day you can celebrate just love itself. Because, in the wise words of the Beatles, "All you need is love." It is, after all, "a many splendored thing," as Frank Sinatra would say. Many would argue, but it's impossible to live, really live, without it. "For God so loved the world that he gave his only son, so that whoever believes in him will not parish but have everlasting life" (John 3:16). Love is the only way to life.

day four.

I'm watching the Opening Show for the Winter Olympics 2010. So far, it's been supa cool - thanks for the entertainment, Vancouver, thanks.

The Olympics gets me thinking, though. When I was 6 years old, I was on track to be an olympic gymnast. Yes, I know that sounds a bit silly now, since I'm 22 and all. But seriously, I started gymnastics when I was 3 years old, and by the time I was 6, I was already on level 9 (the highest possible) and in classes with all 14 and 15 year olds. That year, my coach sat down with my mom and me and told us I was on the road to the Olympics and that I needed to be on the team. I competed for 2 years, but when I was 8, I quit. Gymnastics was hurting my back, and my mom was worried. To this day, she says it was my decision, but I think I didn't want to disappoint her. I missed it so much that I tried to go back when I was 10, but I had lost a lot of my abilities and I was too upset with myself to keep going, so I quit again. I moved on to voice, piano, and drama lessons and that was that.

It makes me wonder, though, what would my life be like if I had stayed on that track? To this day I feel like it's the only thing in my life I've been really good at. I wonder how I would feel about myself, who my friends would be, where I would live. I know I'm where I'm supposed to be, and I really do love my life. Honestly, I wouldn't trade anything for my husband and friends, and I wouldn't know hardly any of them if I had become a professional gymnast. Actually, the people in my life are my favorite part about it; I like them so much more than I like myself.

But it still hurts to think about that dead dream. It gives me more motivation to really be a writer, though, and a good one. That is my dream now, and I will not give it up.

"you are lookin' GOOD" say the people in my pictures

Today is a day to be documented in history. According to my husband, “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”

That’s because today, friends, I went to apply for a job. I read the end of 1 Chronicles. Then, I even decided that tomorrow is the day to put pictures in the picture frames.

To you, that probably seems like a very minor thing. But these picture frames have been empty for 7 and a half months now, ever since I moved in here. It’s getting to be sad. Pictures are one thing I depend on for sustenance. I love to be surrounded by pictures, so that when everything is going wrong, I can look around at the smiling faces all around me saying, “Hey, we love you anyway.” It’s time for me to put my life support up on the walls and embrace my new life.

You know, though, change is funny. Even though I’m making all these positive changes in my life, there are still these damn things I can’t seem to get rid of. Is it like that for everyone? For some people, it’s hair in the shower drain, nicotine stains, in-laws, etc. For me, it’s a number of annoying thoughts and habits. I feel like they creep up at the most unwanted times; for example, just when I’m feeling good about myself, I look at the mirror and realize how much weight I’ve gained. And I was just thinking that I was doing well! Sometimes I just want to look in the mirror and say, “Okay really? Can you save that thought for another time? Because I was just enjoying being AWESOME.” Argh. It never ends. Just like lint on your black pants. No matter how many times you roll, there will still be that stray piece of fuzz. I mean seriously, what’s its problem? Can’t it just leave us alone?

Even in the midst of this really good day, I still burned my dinner. And you know what we were having? A frozen pizza. Could anything possibly be easier to cook? But I still messed it up. I’m improving, but it still looks like I have a ways to go. Damn.

"don't write stuff on here next time" -my left hand.

You know what I saw on the news yesterday? That Sarah Palin had an interview and wrote some notes on her hand. Now, the whole United States is up in some tizzy because apparently it's not okay to write notes on your hand when you're under the political microscope in this country.

You know what I have to say to that: Who the heck cares?

Last time I checked, Sarah Palin is incredibly smart and talented; if she weren't, she wouldn't be where she is. Throughout my life, I've made notes on my hands more times than I can count, and I'm sure most of the country is in the same boat as I am on that one. I just don't understand what the big problem is. I think that anyone (yes, even democrats) who has gotten far enough in the political world to be talked of as a presidential candidate, then he or she has earned the rights to write a note on a hand if he or she wants to. But hey, maybe that's just me.

Currently, I'm addicted to Mario on the Wii. Mark is discovering a new side of me - the gamer. He's never experienced it before. Well, since I have nothing much more to say for today, I think I'm gonna go play.

day one.

Well, it certainly has been a while again. And I have a new theory: New Month's Resolutions.

Every year, at the beginning of January, millions of people (myself included) make resolutions that fail 99% of the time. And why? Because we make them and then never look at them again. I'm pretty sure one of the principles of goal setting is to make little checkpoints along the way. For instance, if a person wants to lose 30 pounds, it won't happen unless a workout plan and eating regimen is established. The same is true for every other goal in life. One of my new year's resolutions this year was to get my apartment organized and clean. So, it only makes sense to make goals like: by the end of this month, everything will have a place; no more loose things lying around. I've decided to do this with all my resolutions, plus a few more. So, here we go.

1) (The original resolution was: Get a job.) February resolution: Make some phone calls and do some research.

2) (Original resolution: Finish the Bible.) February resolution: Finish Chronicles through Psalms.

3) (Original resolution: Write a book.) February resolution: Write a chapter, figure out a plot for Tuesday.

4) (Original resolution: Get something published.) February resolution: Do some research in my Writer's Market books.

5) (Original resolution: Get my apartment clean and organized.) February resolution: Have a place for everything.

6) (Original resolution: Be a better wife...) February resolution: Do something special and out of the norm for Mark.

7) (Original resolution: ...daughter...) February resolution: Tell my parents I want them to come eat with us.

8) (Original resolution: ...sister...) February resolution: Call Amy just because.

9) (Original resolution: ...and friend.) February resolution: Write 10 notes to people telling them how much I love them.

10) (Original resolution: Serve. Serve. Serve.) February resolution: Talk to my Hartland girls about Jesus.

11) Finish reading Alice in Wonderland.

12) Write in my prayer journal every day for the rest of the month.

13) Write in my blog every day for the rest of the month. I've decided I'm starting my 365 over again. Welcome, day one.

Well, I think that's enough for now. I've decided I'm going to do this every month, so as to keep a better check on myself and my life. I've found that it's really easy for people who are prone to depression to lose themselves in meaningless things for months at a time, only to emerge and realize that half their life has slipped by. I don't want to be one of those people anymore.

Depression comes and goes in funny ways and times. It's frustratingly unpredictable, and it really is an addiction. As badly as you want it to disappear, there's the familiarity of it, just like alcohol or pain pills or purging food. Often, it's harder to fight depression off and "be happy" than it is to succumb to the dull state of meaninglessness. I'm getting a lot better at it though; it just takes some time. Since this is my second round of major depression in my life, I've had experience. It's comforting because I got out once. It's nightmarish to think of the statistics, though: 30% of people who have had major depression once are likely to go through it a second time. However, 70% of the people who go through it twice are likely to go through third and fourth (and on it goes) rounds throughout their lifetime. Great news, eh? Oh well, I do believe in hope and strength from Jesus, which is all that's getting me through these days. I suppose he's all that will ever get me through life, though.

In other news, the theory of global warming has been proven to be complete bullshit. Where is Al Gore these days? Probably in Australia to avoid ridicule. It's already the third snow day of the year here in West Tennessee, and they're calling for more this weekend. I'm definitely not complaining. If it's this cold, it needs to snow. And secondly, I love when Mark is home from work. So bring on the Ice Age: I'm ready.

Well, that's really all I have for now. I've gotten further with my ideas for my character Tuesday, although my plot has completely changed. I'm still foggy on where I'm going in the end, but I'll just try to work on the beginning for now. I like to write stuff on here first and then save it in a word document. Word documents are like a brain block to me sometimes. I tend to just sit there and stare at the curser for a really long time with no direction. If I'm writing on here, though, I feel like I need to go someplace so I can post my work. So, hopefully this will inspire some words that will become worth something someday.

***

September 19, 1996

Dear Diary,

Guess what? I'm twelve years old today. Today! I'm so excited. And my birthday is on a Friday, how lucky is that?! I don't have much time to write, but I just wanted to write something on the best day of my life so far. Today for lunch, Mimi and Paw Paw are coming over, and tonight, I'm having Allison, Kayley, Jewel, Rose, and Ashley to spend the night at the cabin! Mom, Dad, Ivy, and Bear are coming too. Well, that's all for now. Hasta la vista!

Love,

Tuesday

My name is Tuesday - yes, like the day of the week. I didn't know it at the time, but my twelfth birthday was a monumental event. Life is funny that way; often, we seem to place the most importance on all the wrong things. For instance, in my twelfth year of life, I was concerned about how to wear my hair, who to sit with at church, what new phrase I could learn in Spanish, and what shade of lip gloss matched my purse that matched my shoes. Looking back, I should've been spending my time hugging my dad, asking my mom how to make her vegetable soup, going to the mall with Ivy, and telling Bear that his girlfriend Leah was an idiot. But I didn't, and I couldn't predict the future. If I had only known what my thirteenth birthday would be like, my twelfth one would have meant so much more. Twelve year olds don't think like that though - not even Mother Theresa or Martin Luther King, Jr. On their twelfth birthdays, I can guarantee she was a brat and he was racist. It's just a fact of life: twelve-year-olds are consumed with themselves. They just are.

One June Saturday, when I was nine and Bear was thirteen, I helped him wash and wax both our family cars while my parents were gone on a shopping trip with the Murdock's from down the street. It was his idea, and I just wanted to keep him company. I remember the conversation we had like it was seconds ago, though:

"Bear, why are we doing this?" I asked.

"To surprise Mom and Dad when they get home," he answered.

"But Bear, can't they do it themselves?"

"Well, 'course they can." A few moments went by with no sound except our squeaking sponges. The sun beat our backs like it wanted to be included in the conversation, too.

"Then why are we doing it for them?" I said finally.

"Because it's nice," he replied.

My sponge stopped moving as I pondered this thought. "I don't understand."

"What do you mean, you don't understand?"

"I just don't know why they can't do it themselves."

"Tuesday, you're only nine. One of these days, you're gonna understand that sometimes you do nice things for people because you love them, y'see? Things mean a lot more to somebody when they didn't ask you to do them. Like the other day, remember when Ivy cleaned up all your toys so you wouldn't get in trouble when Mom got home? That's 'cause she loves you."

I thought about this seriously for a few moments. I was impressed with Bear's thought process. "Can we wash Gunner after we finish the cars? I bet Daddy'd like that."

He smiled down at me. " 'Course we can. I tell you what, Lil' Day, you're a smart one." Bear was always telling me how smart I was.

I didn't fully understand the concept, though. I was still awfully self-absorbed, but I tried to emulate Bear the best I could. To this day, he is the most servant-hearted person I've ever seen - well, he and my mother. I only wish I had understood before it was too late.

***